I sometimes just stare at him while he is sleeping. It's early morning, and amidst the hustle and the bustle of Will rushing of to work, I hear the door close, and there we are. Me and Hudson. He lost in sweet slumber, and I admiring him while he dreams. All alone in the peace and quiet. I like to snuggle him close, and run my fingers along the edge of his sweet chubby cheeks. It is during these times that this mind of mine races a mile a minute. I constantly try to remind myself to slow down my thoughts, and just let each moment soak into my memory. But my gentle reminders never work, and I instead find my subconscious wandering. I am amazed by his beauty. Then, I remember exactly how tiny he was the very first moment I laid my eyes on him. I think about what he will look like as a toddler, when he can stand on his own. I wonder how he will do in school, and will he cry when I drop him off at kindergarten? Or will he hardly notice that his Mommy is gone? Then, the floodgates are open, and I think about everything. I wonder how his laugh will sound when he's seven, and playing in the backyard. I ponder how he will cope with his first bad grade, first kiss, first broken heart. I picture his first school play, the way he looks the first time he feels the sand between his toes, and how he will react the first time I let him play in a rain puddle. I think about the first time I'll hear him tell me he loves me. And I try not to think about how his teenager self might not like me on some occasions. I think about riding with him as he learns to drive, and I can't help but feel nervous, fifteen years early. I question whether he will have a wife who will love him as much as he deserves to be loved. Time marches on at such a fast pace, and  it is these moments when I have to stop thinking ahead, and give myself a little pep talk. I need to try to remember to live in the moment. Each tiny, insignificant moment. Because he will only let me cuddle hm in his sleep for so long. He will only smell like a baby for so long. It's okay for me to relish in remembering the past, and imagining the future, but I must remember to not become so immersed that I don't focus on the present.  Then suddenly he stirs and softly grabs my finger. And in that moment I know I'm in the present...and he thinks I'm doing just fine.

1 comment:

Jeannie said...

Ashley, welcome to motherhood. These thoughts will run through your mind many times. You and Will are doing a good job at parenting. Just always remember to give him a lot of unconditional love.